Sorry will never be enough...

Yesterday I found a letter in my room... a letter that was written a long time ago and it brought back memories...

I had a friend a long time ago... a really close friend. If I was not at home, I was out and about with him... we were never apart... if you looked for me, you'd find him, if you looked for him, you'd find me... we did many things together and my whole neighborhood has memories of him and I...

We were close, really close, but as usual, friends have arguments... some get resolved and some are just too deep... this is what happened between us... this one argument was just too deep... I drifted away, cut ties and all contact...

Months and months passed... he tried to talk to me, tried to get back things to the way they used to be, but I just wouldn't have it... I was too angry...
Months later I decided that it was time all this came to an end, it wasn't worth our friendship... so I tried to cal him, and his phone was unavailable... I tried their land line but it was never answered... I kept trying his cell phone for a whole week... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. No answer...on Friday I received a call from one of his friends... "Hey Kay, did you hear what happened?" I knew nothing and actually went on to say I'd been trying to call him but he wasn't answering his phone, there was silence on the other end of the line... then he broke the news to me , "he drowned last Sunday, he was buried this last Wednesday.." I was shocked, too stunned to react... I could not believe my ears...
That night I did not sleep... I asked myself so many questions that no one else could answer... what were his last thoughts? What did he think about in his last moments? What were his thoughts about me in his last moments??
He really cared about me, I know he did... why did it take a long time for me to realise that our friendship was worth so much more? Why did it take so long for me to decide to contact him? Why did I only try to contact him after he was already dead? WHY?? But I had no answers to my questions... I will never get the answers to these questions... never ever... I will never see him and I will never get a chance to make things right. To get us back to where we used to be... to get our friendship to what it was. I will never see him never hear his voice, never laugh with him... NEVER... and never is long time...

I am sorry that things ended the way hey ended, I'm sorry that I did not get a chance to make things right... I'm sorry that I treated him the way I did... if only I had made an effort to reach out much earlier, if only I had tried... if only had allowed him to reach out when he had... if only.. But time has already come and gone... there is no going back. It has been over a year but many times when I’m walking around I keep hoping that I will see him I keep hoping that it was all a misunderstanding and he is still alive... I still have not gathered up the courage to go to their house and see for myself that he is no longer there... I still cannot accept that this is the way things ended... but why? Could it be that I feel guilty for the way things ended? Could it be that I regret not mending things when I had the chance?? Or could it be all of the above? I don't know...

But one thing I know for sure is that I will never have the chance to go back and make things right, I will never have the chance to see him again and talk this through, like civilised people... all I have left are the good memories and the regrets that are in my mind..

Life is too short; we never know when it will come to an end... who would have thought that at 17 his life would have come to an end? we never know when God will take his soul away... we cannot control life but we can control what we do with our time, we can control how we treat each other... we can! Though you're gone my dear friend, you have taught me to take each day, each relationship, each friendship seriously... everyday and every moment counts... we can never be too sure of what will happen tomorrow... you have taught me to part ways with people on a happy note every time.. You have taught me that valuable moments and valuable people are to be treasured at all times... you have taught me to treat my friendships with the greatest care, to resolve all arguments and make peace with all people t all times...

I will never forget you and 'sorry' will never be able to express how I feel when I think of you. No words will ever be able to describe the sorrow I felt when I heard of your passing... no words will ever be able to express the sorrow I felt when I remember the happy times we had and the many things we did together… the places we went hold memories, memories I will treasure forever!
Sorry will never be enough...

Rest in peace my kangaroo...
Rest in peace A.A.M.H
You will be missed forever...